I woke up at 1:37 this morning. This is not unusual for me. Usually I get up and go to the bathroom, get back in bed and go back to sleep. But occasionally I can’t go back to sleep, and this was one of those times. I lay in bed allowing myself to be overcome with anxiety.
Anxiety about not sleeping – I’ve been having some trouble with that in the past week and had gone to bed early the night before because I was so tired. I tried doing the loving kindness meditation as my pastor had suggested has worked for her just the day before, but I couldn’t stay focused on it.
Anxiety about all the things I needed to do on Monday. I’ve been in a place of doing a lot of growth internally and have allowed, indeed consciously chosen to allow, many mundane tasks to go by the wayside in the meantime. Now everything I hadn’t done was popping up and running through my consciousness with all the dire consequences of if this didn’t get done TODAY!
Anxiety about a session on happiness that I was presenting for the Goddess retreat at my church in two weeks. We had a meeting to discuss the retreat on Sunday and suddenly all my fears about doing it “right” were being triggered. Added to that was anxiety about a brown bag presentation I was set to do on Tuesday.
I kept coming back to deep breathing, trying to do the loving kindness mediation, but still not able to stay focused. I looked at the clock. 2:30. I tossed and turned. My stomach started growling.
Anxiety about all the rituals and practices I have set out for myself in order to create the life that I want that I am not doing consistently. Reminding myself that whatever happens in my life is perfect and for my benefit. Reminding myself that I don’t have to do it alone. Asking spirit to support me. Feeling anxiety about not doing this the right way, because if I had my anxiety would be gone and it wasn’t.
All this anxiety is familiar. It used to be a way of life for me. But over the past year or so, and especially in the past six months, my anxiety levels have reduced incredibly to be almost non-existent. So what’s up? Why am I so anxious now?
My anxiety tries to pretend that it is about money. But I know that this is not what it is really about.
Is this more of my ego trying to keep me in check? Ahh…yes. I check in and realize that all my anxieties are fears about not being good enough, having to prove myself, not being accepted as I am. Fears that what I have to offer the world is not enough. Who am I to think that I have something special to give? “They” will all see that I am a fraud.
I have so much evidence that what I bring to the world is valued and appreciated, and yet…still so much fear.
I look at the clock again. 2:52. I’m hungry, I’m not going back to sleep, why not get up and write about this experience? And so it is.