Wide Awake and Anxious at 1:37 am on a Monday Morning

I woke up at 1:37 this morning.  This is not unusual for me.  Usually I get up and go to the bathroom, get back in bed and go back to sleep.  But occasionally I can’t go back to sleep, and this was one of those times.  I lay in bed allowing myself to be overcome with anxiety.

Anxiety about not sleeping – I’ve been having some trouble with that in the past week and had gone to bed early the night before because I was so tired.  I tried doing the loving kindness meditation as my pastor had suggested has worked for her just the day before, but I couldn’t stay focused on it.

Anxiety about all the things I needed to do on Monday.  I’ve been in a place of doing a lot of growth internally and have allowed, indeed consciously chosen to allow, many mundane tasks to go by the wayside in the meantime.  Now everything I hadn’t done was popping up and running through my consciousness with all the dire consequences of if this didn’t get done TODAY!

Anxiety about a session on happiness that I was presenting for the Goddess retreat at my church in two weeks.  We had a meeting to discuss the retreat on Sunday and suddenly all my fears about doing it “right” were being triggered.  Added to that was anxiety about a brown bag presentation I was set to do on Tuesday.

I kept coming back to deep breathing, trying to do the loving kindness mediation, but still not able to stay focused.  I looked at the clock.  2:30.  I tossed and turned.  My stomach started growling.

Anxiety about all the rituals and practices I have set out for myself in order to create the life that I want that I am not doing consistently.  Reminding myself that whatever happens in my life is perfect and for my benefit.  Reminding myself that I don’t have to do it alone.  Asking spirit to support me. Feeling anxiety about not doing this the right way, because if I had my anxiety would be gone and it wasn’t.

All this anxiety is familiar.  It used to be a way of life for me.  But over the past year or so, and especially in the past six months, my anxiety levels have reduced incredibly to be almost non-existent.   So what’s up?  Why am I so anxious now?

My anxiety tries to pretend that it is about money.  But I know that this is not what it is really about.

Is this more of my ego trying to keep me in check?  Ahh…yes.  I check in and realize that all my anxieties are fears about not being good enough, having to prove myself, not being accepted as I am.  Fears that what I have to offer the world is not enough.  Who am I to think that I have something special to give?  “They” will all see that I am a fraud.

I have so much evidence that what I bring to the world is valued and appreciated, and yet…still so much fear.

I look at the clock again.  2:52.  I’m hungry, I’m not going back to sleep, why not get up and write about this experience?  And so it is.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s