The Roots of Powerlessness

Yesterday after I wrote “Hero or Coward? Love or Fear?” connections start coming for me fast and furious.  I was thinking about my example of being in Nazi Germany and not helping my friends and neighbors.  I have thought for some time that I may have had a past life in Nazi Germany.

When I was in my teens I had a recurring dream that was set there.  The dream had a scary feeling to it, even though what was actually occurring in the dream wasn’t that scary – yet.  I always woke up with the feeling of being just on the verge of something bad happening.

I also have always had a real dislike for Germany.  I have traveled to Europe many times, but have never had any desire to go to Germany.  I know it is beautiful there, but I have no interest, and would even say I have had an aversion to going there.  In my heart I knew that there was some reason I felt this way.

As it happened, I had an appointment yesterday morning with an intuitive healer I’ve been working with for the past six weeks.  I told her that I wanted to focus on this past life, assuming I was correct about it.  I was very fearful to do this because of what I would discover about what I had done in that life.  I imagined that I had allowed my friends to be sent to the death camps.  Or even worse, that I had actively done some terrible things because I was ordered to do them and was too cowardly to refuse.

As we began to work, she confirmed that I did have a past life in Germany during WWII, that it was a traumatic life and that I had taken from it a feeling of powerlessness.  I immediately had the thought that this fear I had was not about me being a coward and not protecting others, but about being powerless to protect myself.

She told me that in that life I was a sixteen or seventeen year old Jewish boy.  My family was in hiding in a secret room in the cellar of a house along with another family.  We were discovered there, and I was forced to watch as my mother and sister were sexually assaulted.  My mind was racing with how and when I could make a move to stop it.

But my hands were bound behind me, and there were many more soldiers than our number.  I was literally powerless to do anything to help my family.  Soon I was dealt a “death blow” which knocked me out and ultimately killed me there in the cellar.

Feeling how it would have felt to have been literally powerless to help others I loved in dire need, I see it is the root of my fear that I won’t act now, in this lifetime.  It has been a fear of being unable to act that I have been interpreting as being too cowardly to act.

As I think of situations where I have had this fear, like the one I wrote about in “Hero or Coward? Love or Fear?” I realize that it did feel like somehow I would be unable to do anything about it.  I would be too late to intervene and the damage would already have been done.  Or the person I needed to confront would blow me off and not take action.

Yes, there was still some fear that I would be too cowardly to take the needed action, but the fear was greater that my action would not matter; that I would not be able to stop harm from happening.

The confirmation and knowledge of this past life is just the beginning.  Now I need to work on processing what happened for me in that life, and knowing and accepting that I am courageous – both then and now.  Knowing that in this life I am not powerless. Owning my own power and knowing deep within myself that I will choose to do the right thing when the time comes.

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