Wow. That’s all I can say: wow. I just love how the Universe tells me when I’m supposed to be focused in a certain area of my life. I also love how I receive help when I request it.
A couple of days ago I had an astrological reading. It was quite amazing, and also kind of overwhelming. One of the primary things the astrologer told me was that I was very intellectual and brilliant (his word). But in order to move forward on my life path and to fully open up my intuition, I needed to let go of my intellectual baggage and feel my body and my emotions.
I have known for quite some time that I spend most of my time in my head. I’ve had therapists and my intuitive healer encourage me to feel my body and my emotions (we feel our emotions in our bodies, not in our heads). I’ve made some attempts to do this, but not on a regular basis. And frankly, most of the time I’m unaware that I’m suppressing my emotions.
Added to this lack of awareness is a big helping of resistance. I really don’t like to feel my feelings and have become a master at avoiding it. I intellectualize everything, which keeps me in my head. If I start to feel sad, or some other uncomfortable emotion, I’ve learned how to distract myself.
I don’t like to cry. It feels bad both emotionally and physically. There are times when I try hard to embrace crying, because I know it is good for me, and I’ve been doing this more lately. But most of the time I work hard at avoiding it.
(If any of my clients are reading this, do as I say when I encourage you to feel your emotions, not as I do!)
Another thing the astrologer told me, related to this idea of feeling, was that I needed to be able to hold polar opposites as part of my essence (who I am authentically). In other words, my preconceived notions of who I am, and who others are, limit my growth. I realized the truth in the idea that I am not my mental concept of myself, but that I really am a soul that encompasses all possibilities.
But, I didn’t know how to get in touch with that. When I told the astrologer that I didn’t know how to do this, he said that “knowing how” was a mental process and this was a feeling process. Sigh. I’m brilliant at gathering knowledge and know-how. Not so great (yet) at feeling my way to wisdom. But I’m working on it!
Yesterday as I was taking my daily walk I was also having a conversation with Spirit. I told Spirit that I knew I was ready to make this shift from my head to my heart, and asked to be shown the path. I also asked to be aware when opportunities to practice shifting into my body and feelings presented themselves.
In the afternoon I had an appointment with a therapist. I was meeting with her because I was interested in joining a women’s intimacy group she led. She was the answer, or at least one of the answers, to my request for help from Spirit.
She, of course, wanted to know about why I was interested in joining an intimacy group. The bottom line answer is that because I have a narcissistic mother with whom I was enmeshed as a child, I have a huge fear of intimacy. I fear that I will cease to exist within any relationship that becomes too close. At the same time, I have huge desire for intimacy, as we all do at our cores.
She very skillfully pushed me to feel those feelings of not being nurtured in the way I needed as a child. Every time I started to get back into my head and talk about what happened rather than feel it, she would point that out to me. Within 15 minutes of meeting this woman I was sobbing.
As I’m writing this section, I’m crying again. And I’m glad; it’s a good thing. It’s exactly what I need to be doing right now. Fifty-four years of suppressing my emotions is enough. I know that to move forward on my path, to be more authentic, to be the soul that I really am, I have to feel.
It’s not like I didn’t already know this intellectually, but now I’m really feeling it. And it feels awful and wonderful at the same time. Hey! There’s that polarity the astrologer told me I needed to embrace! Feeling awful and wonderful can both exist within me, and at the same time. Amazing!
As I left the therapist’s office yesterday I felt drained and exhausted, and also committed to finally allowing myself to feel. I was grateful to have met someone who can guide me in this process. I also felt incredibly grateful for the guidance from the Universe. The timing of hearing the astrologer’s message the day before I met with the therapist was perfect.
I’m looking forward to really being myself. To feeling how I really feel, in the moment. To letting others know how I really feel (okay that feels a little scary, but I will get there). To being who I really am, not just my concept of myself.