Yesterday I had a session with my BodyTalk practitioner. She talks to my body silently and uses muscle testing to get answers. A few minutes into the session she asked me, “What would you like to give yourself permission for?”
Immediately I knew that I wanted to give myself permission to not know. I’ve recently (and off and on for the past 18 months) been in a place of not knowing where I’m going. It creates a lot of stress. I wanted to be okay with not knowing.
I also have realized through a situation with my teenage son several months ago, that my need to know is tied to control; the idea that I take responsibility for everything and have to fix that which is “broken.”
At that time my “not knowing” what was going on for my son was very stressful for me, and I realized it was because if I didn’t know what was happening I couldn’t fix it. And…I came to the understanding that it wasn’t my job to fix it. Whatever it may be.
“Needing to know” has been my way to keep myself safe. If I am ever vigilant about what’s going on around me, I can protect myself and those I love. But that is just an illusion. I cannot control what happens. At best I can mitigate circumstances.
Trying to control is another way that my lack of trust shows up. Lack of trust in myself, others and Spirit to be able to deal with whatever. And hypocrisy in that I say I believe that the world (and Spirit) is benevolent, and that everything will always be as it should be. But by trying to control I’m really saying I don’t believe that.
So as of yesterday, I give myself permission to not know.
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Tagged blue heron, control, emotions, fear, letting go, love, need to know, perfection, permission, personal growth, spirit, spirituality
This morning at 4:45 AM I awoke to the sound of large trucks on the street below my apartment. I waited a few moments to see if they were just driving by, but they weren’t. I got up and looked out the window.
There are two buildings going up nearby – one next door to my building and one right across the street. There were two large trucks, one off-loading equipment, the other a cement mixer in the street below. They weren’t going away.
I immediately began to get angry. How dare they! There must be some law about noise at that hour. Who could I complain to? But I quickly realized that even if I found the right authority to complain to, it wouldn’t remove the noise that was keeping me from sleeping right at that moment.
So I got out my earplugs and put them in. They went in easily on the first try in both ears, and I said a little prayer of gratitude for that. I got back in bed and went back to sleep.
I did have a few fleeting thoughts of complaining to my building’s management to see what they could do. But I again realized that would only keep me feeling upset about the situation, which in reality had been easily resolved.
Yes, I would have preferred not to be awakened early. But I was only awake for maybe 5 minutes as I assessed the situation and took care of it. It wasn’t that big of a deal, and by continuing to focus on the unfairness of it, I would continue to be upset when there was no longer anything to be upset about.
My lesson is whenever I feel someone is stepping on my toes, encroaching on my rights, and I’m tempted to complain, what I really need to do is look at how I can do something to make the situation okay for myself, then do that.
Because in the long run, I just want to be happy. How it happens – whether through my actions or those of another – doesn’t matter.
And quit complaining!