It’s not been a week since I started this blog up again, and I find myself avoiding writing. On the one hand, I feel like I have so much to say it’s hard to choose a topic. On the other hand, I am constantly weighing what I can write that will be of benefit to others, and how to present that.
This morning it occurred to me that I’ve already moved away from my purpose in re-starting this blog, which is not to instruct or guide others, but rather to say what is going on for me.
Reading a young woman’s blog the other day reminded me that why I started this blog was to allow myself to be vulnerable, and fully seen. I can still remember how terrified I was 4 years ago when I first started blogging. Terrified of being judged. Terrified of being seen.
Now, I’ve been putting on my teacher’s hat, which is a much safer place for me. But I didn’t come here to be safe, I came here to be seen. So…
I begin again.
I have to acknowledge that I’ve been wanting to start up my counseling and coaching practice again, but with a spiritual exploration focus. In the back of my mind is the thought that people reading my blog could see how wise I’ve become, how many lessons I’ve learned, and be drawn to counseling with me. But…that’s not the purpose of this blog. I already have a website for my (former) business, with lots of blog posts geared in that way. This blog was originally started for me to be me, unabashedly, and I want to maintain that focus here.
And, I have some discomfort with the commercializing of my feelings and experiences. Which is why I wasn’t being completely honest with myself about my motivations for blogging again. I judge myself, and I don’t want to. However, I choose to use this blog is okay, there’s nothing wrong with using a blog as a jumping off point for offering my services. But, I don’t think that was why I was guided to begin this blog again.
Deciding to begin again here, rather than on my counseling website, is rather an interesting journey. I actually did begin with the idea of revamping my dormant website to attempt to attract clients that were interested in spiritual development. However, in that process, everything that could go wrong did go wrong.
I have a WordPress-based site, and I hadn’t made any updates to it in almost two years. So the first thing I wanted to do was apply all the updates and get up to date. But first I wanted to make a backup, just in case.
Well, the backup program erred out. I hadn’t used that in almost two years, either. So I contacted the person that hosts my site, and realized I hadn’t paid for hosting for the previous year, or the upcoming year. So, once I did that she “fixed” the backup problem.
Only, she didn’t. I didn’t get the same error, but it still didn’t work. After some back and forth we decided that since it worked for her, she would run it and then send me the file.
Once I got the file, I ran all the updates. There were a lot, both for WordPress itself, as well as all the plugins my site uses. Everything seemed to go fine. The site rendered properly and it seemed all was well.
Until…I went in to begin editing the pages and there was nothing there to edit! The text fields had a squiggly red line in them.This was the point where I finally got the message from Spirit: this isn’t the path I’m supposed to be going down.
So I had my host restore from backup, back to where I started, while I started thinking about other choices. There were some problems with the restore process, too, which further validated that this is not what I was supposed to be doing.
And, I still didn’t get the real message.
I have several other domain names, and one of them had been used for presenting opt-in offers. Since I hadn’t been active in my business in several years, I was no longer using it for this purpose. So, my next thought was that I would use that site and start from scratch to be this “spiritual guidance” site I was imagining.
But, more problems encountered here. I was finally able to get it working, but what was the message? I have learned that when something requires too much effort, is too hard, then I’ve veered off course.
Finally, I thought of this personal blog that had been unused for two years. Is that where I was supposed to be go?
Well, as I said above, within a week of beginning again here, I have stopped enjoying it. I don’t feel like doing it, it feels like a chore.
So, once again, I have to look at why is this so hard? Obviously I’m not on the right path or I would be inspired to write. And for the most part, I haven’t been.
You may not see any more posts from me for a while – or at all. If that’s the case, it means I’m not feeling inspired.
Or, I may find once again the personal value in sharing my thoughts, feelings and experiences.
I have to believe that I was led back here for a reason. But, as in much of my life, it’s only in hindsight that I can understand what that reason is. For now, all I can do is follow my heart. And we’ll see if it leads me to write here.