Tag Archives: courage

Taking a Leap of Faith – and the Accompanying Terror

I awoke early this morning and was filled with terror. My mind began running rampant, cataloging all the things I had to be fearful about. At the top of the list, as always, was not having enough money.

I recently took a leap of faith and moved across the country from Seattle to Salisbury, Massachusetts. I didn’t know what I would do for work, but had been fortunate enough for two part-time opportunities (one with my Seattle employer) to present themselves. In the 10 days since I’ve been in my new home I have been overwhelmed with trying to make sure that I am working enough to make as much money as I was making full-time. Yesterday, both jobs had less work for me to do, and I became fearful about the future prospects with each of them.

When I awoke this morning, I panicked. My mind was whirling with figuring out what I could do to get some more work / money, either with these two opportunities, or in some other way.

I cried for about 5 minutes, and cried out to God to help me. I had a few big yawns (a sign for me that energy is moving) and fell into a deep dream-filled sleep for an hour.

When I next awoke, I was conscious of a change in perspective. I have taken leaps of faith in the past: starting my private counseling practice during a recession, choosing to stop doing work that didn’t resonate with me, choosing not to work for several years to focus on my internal growth, and too many more to mention here. And, it has always worked out for me.

Not always in the way I would have said I wanted in the beginning, or in a way I could have predicted. But it has always worked out for my benefit.

So, with that foundation, I thought about how holding on to the past with my current jobs may be preventing me from moving into my future.

It is terrifying to consider letting go of the only source(s) of income that I currently have. And, the truth is, I’ve known for some time that neither of these jobs is in my future. I need to let go of the idea that this is how I will make my living in the future in order to open the door for other possibilities to show up. And I’m scared.

A few days ago I was shuffling Tarot cards to do a 3-card spread for myself. The Fool literally leapt out of the deck and fell into my lap. A coincidence? I think not. The Fool is about new beginnings and letting go of the past. He also represents bringing a child-like innocence to the unlimited possibilities of the Universe.

I keep coming back to the letting go of the past part. I am still hanging on to certain aspects of the past, not just with my jobs. I see that it is my work now to cut those cords so that I can be free to move forward.

This is not an easy task, but I know it is the right path.

Wish me luck, and I will keep you posted!

One Step at a Time

I’ve really been having a week of upheaval. There is the potential for all the basics in my life (work and home) in the next few months. I’m looking at moving across the country, and with that, through necessity, changing jobs – or at least changing what my current job is like.

On Tuesday I hit my limit with the unknown and feeling overwhelmed and, let’s face it, scared. Even though these changes are completely my own choice, and I know that I am being called to do them, it’s darn scary!

I am feeling called to move to upstate New York, and am planning a trip there in July to check it out. My goal is to make a decision by the end of July and move in August. Earlier this week I started planning my trip, and promptly became paralyzed by indecision. Which is not at all like me. I couldn’t decide whether to fly or drive. I couldn’t make myself fill out and turn in the vacation request at work. I spent hours online looking at AirBNB and driving routes and flight choices. And couldn’t decide a thing.

To top things off, there has been some drama at work in the past week that throws a wrench in the works of how I was planning my graceful exit there. Or if not a full exit, at least a transition to working remotely as a contract employee. And I was left feeling like everything in my life was up in the air and unknown.

Of course if I’m honest, that’s always true! I don’t have control over the majority of what happens in my life. But like most of us, I have carried that illusion of control with me for many years, and it feels just teensy bit (okay, a whole lot) uncomfortable when I run up against it. And I have been someone who has had an inner knowing of what I want to do and is very decisive, in general.

In the past 10 years I have made a lot of significant changes in my life, and have handled them with grace and ease. I’ve had friends remark on the courage it took to change careers, when to me it just felt like the logical next step for me. Similarly, when I sold my house a few years ago and decided to rent instead (in preparation for a move out of state or country at some unknown time in the future), friends told me how brave I was. And, once again, I knew deep in my heart that it was the right path for me, and although I had moments of sadness in leaving the home where I had raised my son, 95% of me was excited for the change.

So this feeling of being almost paralyzed by fear of the unknown is somewhat new to me.

A few things happened, and I had some reminders that helped me to regroup and calm down.

  • I let it all out. I had a couple of experiences at work that day that got me really worked up. I left work and got in my car and drove. I cried. I ranted. I swore (yes, this can sometime be helpful!). I raged. I got mad at other drivers. I yelled at my boss and co-worker. And within 15 minutes it was all out, and I felt a lot better.

My inclination is to stuff everything and not feel the yuck. But when I do that, I really can’t think straight, because there’s all that stuff in their trying to get out. I recently read a great book, Letting Go, The Pathway of Surrender by David R. Hawkins. The concepts were not new to me, but they were a great reminder that as we stuff our emotions rather than letting them flow through us, we create strife in our lives that manifests in many different ways.

So, I let go of all the anger, frustration and rage that had been building up inside me. No, it’s not all about what happened at work that day. But that situation was a catalyst to release more of what has built up over more than 50 years in this body.

  • Nothing is forever. Once I was calm, I could think straight. I remembered that no matter what decision I make, it’s not forever. If I don’t like the result, I can always make a different choice. I wasn’t going to let fear of making a mistake keep me from moving forward.
  • I only need to know the next step. Part of what was getting me so tied up in knots that I couldn’t move was not being able to know how everything will pan out.

Will my boss be agreeable to me working remotely? Will another employment option I have work out? How will I support myself? How will my cats deal with 5 days on the road when we move? Will I find a place I like to live?

As you can see, none of these questions have a thing to do with planning my trip to explore. But this is what was keeping me paralyzed. I couldn’t predict the future.

I was reminded of something profound that a friend said to me four years ago when I was in a similar state. I was planning a trip to Edinburgh with the idea of checking it out as a place I might like to live. I was going through all the same kinds of questions and getting myself pretty freaked out.

As I shared this with my wise friend, he said “You only need to know the next step.”

Well, duh! But how profound! I have used this wisdom from my friend many times in the past few years when I get myself in a tizzy over the future, and it has served me well. Thank you, Mark.

So, I got unstuck and booked my trip the next day. I still have a bit of trepidation about how the future will unfold, I suppose that’s only natural, even as I trust in Spirit to guide me. But I am no longer paralyzed and am moving forward.

Feeling Grumpy and Out of Sorts

I woke up feeling grumpy and out of sorts the other day. I know that writing helps me process what’s going on when I feel this way, but I didn’t have the right tools, or so my ego (small self) told me. I needed a new journal, a bigger size than any of the many blank journals I currently have.

Yeah, right.

But, that’s where I was. Listening to that ego chatter telling me that I couldn’t do what I knew was in my best interest.

So instead, I decided to do a 3 card spread with my Tarot cards. This is a practice I did faithfully every day for a full year a couple of years ago, until it felt like it no longer served me. Recently I’ve gotten back into using the cards to help me access guidance from Spirit (my higher self).

Of course the cards I drew were perfect.

Tarot Spread 2016-05-02

So perfect that I felt the emotion well up in me and began to cry. I felt so supported and so validated, and knowing that I was on my right path helped, even though right now it doesn’t feel exactly right to me.

I realized a couple of things, all lessons that continue to show up for me over the past few years.

  • Trust and Faith: I want to let go of doubt and trust that Spirit has my back. Whatever is happening is in my best interest, even (sometimes especially) when I feel out of sorts. The cards I drew were so absolutely perfect, that there is no doubt that Spirit is guiding me. Trust and faith.
  • Surrender: When I feel grumpy and out of sorts, I’m usually in a growth spurt. I know this well, have identified this in myself over the past several years. It makes perfect sense that as I shift into a new way of being that it feels uncomfortable. That’s normal and I can accept that as my reality in this moment, just as I accept – and trust – that this is exactly where I’m supposed to be and how I’m supposed to be feeling. I don’t need to change a thing.
  • Let Go of Attachment to Outcome: I don’t know what’s going to happen next, and I don’t need to know. Of course I have preferences about how my path will unfold, but experience has taught me that I (the small I – ego) don’t have any idea of what is possible. So I can put out there what I would like, and then let go of making it happen. Let go of managing the situation. I don’t need to know how to make it happen. I don’t even need to know what the end result will look like. I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other on my path.

 

I’m Baaaaack!

More than a year ago I moved my blog to my business website. I totally lost the following that I had, and have missed the comments and support that I had received when I began this blog almost two years ago.

Last night I had a flash of insight. I realized that the purpose for beginning this blog was completely different from the purpose in having a blog on my website.

My purpose when I began this blog was to show up as my true, authentic self. To speak what was true for me. To test my courage and resolve to be honest and allow myself to be vulnerable enough to let others see who I really am.

When I moved my blog to my business website I suddenly began monitoring and censoring what I wrote. I wanted it to be helpful for other people. I wanted it to help me build my business. I started worrying that I would look weak if I was completely honest about myself, and that others would not want my services because of that. I felt that every blog post had to add value to the reader’s life and so I agonized over what the lesson was, or what tool or practice I could share.

So, you see, two completely different purposes. I can’t believe I didn’t see it before!

The reality has been that people don’t comment on my blog on my website. I really miss the engagement with others.

So, I’m back. And I’m rededicating myself to the purpose that I began with almost two years ago. To show up as me, warts and all. To share my experiences and what I’ve learned from them. Or to share my doubts and fears and ask for help from others when I need it.

Whole Lotta Shakin’ Goin’ On – 4 Techniques for Managing Anxiety about Change

Over the past several weeks I have been experiencing periods of anxiety. Anxiety is just another word for fear. I know that this anxiety is my ego, my warning system, trying to tell me that I’m venturing into unsafe territory.

A few weeks ago I suddenly had a knowing that I was supposed to move. I acknowledged out loud a feeling I’ve had for a while that I am meant to leave Seattle, at least for now. That unleashed a whole lot of discomfort and fear.

Even after I worked through the immediate fear reaction, I have continued to have moments of anxiety pop up, seemingly for no apparent reason. However, I know that it is my system adjusting to this new idea.

Whenever we are making changes in our lives, whether they are big or small, whether we think it’s a good change or a bad change, our systems get shaken up. As humans, we like to maintain equilibrium, to keep things the same. When we start to make changes, our ego – whose job it is to protect us – starts making noise.

Warning! Warning! Things are changing! We’re no longer in equilibrium. Pay attention!

Here are a few things that help me whenever this happens:

1.      I take some slow, deep breaths. When we get anxious our breathing becomes quick and shallow. This is part of the fight or flight response. By consciously changing my physical response, I can also change how I feel emotionally.

2.      I remind myself that both fear and excitement have the same chemical reaction in my body, and ask myself if I can choose to feel excited rather than anxious. Especially in my current situation, excitement is part of the equation. Yes, I have some fear about how things will all work out. But I’m also excited about this change.

3.      I don’t get attached to the anxiety. In the past, whenever I felt anxious I would search for the reason, and of course I could come up with a dozen of them. Searching for reasons I might feel anxious only perpetuates the feeling. Now I choose to notice and acknowledge the fear: “I’m feeling anxious,” but don’t get caught up in justifying that anxiety by looking for reasons to be fearful.

4.       I accept that anxiety is a by-product of making changes. It is natural and normal that when we step outside our comfort zone, that when we upset our equilibrium, our ego is going to try to get us to move back to where it is “safe.” I know that as I move through the change that I am making, this fear will eventually dissipate as I reach a new equilibrium point.

Stuck in the Fog? Use Your Foghorn!

A few days ago I awoke feeling like I was in a fog. Not that my head was fuzzy. Sometimes that can be a nice feeling. This was a feeling of not knowing my direction. Not being able to see where I was going.

I tend to be someone who gets an idea and then runs with it. Now I was in a place where I felt torn in many directions, but not really focused on any of them. I didn’t know which way to turn. It was extremely uncomfortable, and I’ll admit that I had a “meltdown.”

I felt so lost and alone; truly like being lost in the fog. In the past when I didn’t know what to do, I learned that surrendering to Spirit (or higher self) to guide me was all that I could do. I cried. I cried hard. I talked out loud about how lost and lonely and without direction I felt. About how miserable I felt.

When I felt cried out, I stopped and went about my morning business. I went for my morning walk, as usual. It was quite foggy, as it had been in Seattle for the past several mornings. As I walked, I could hear a foghorn out in Puget Sound.

It occurred to me that I should use my own foghorn to let people know I’m here, that I’m stuck in the fog.  Use my foghorn to ask them to help me navigate. Asking for help has never been my strong suit, and it definitely is an area of growth for me. Yet it felt like a relief once I realized I didn’t have to be lost in the fog all alone.

I belong to a private group on Facebook that consists of people who have taken Robert Holden’s Happiness or Success Coaching Certification classes. I knew these were people I could trust with my vulnerability.

So I posted in the group about how I was feeling lost and directionless. I immediately began getting thoughtful and heartfelt responses. Each and every post had something of value for me. Just seeing people respond to my request for help led to me feeling better. I realized that my surrender in my earlier “meltdown” was answered by hearing the foghorn on my walk, and realizing I don’t have to do this alone.

The next time that you’re lost in the fog, feeling alone and directionless, use your foghorn!

How Laura Got Her Groove Back (It’s Not What You Think)

Over the past few weeks, maybe even the past month, I have had times of feeling very anxious. In the past I frequently had boughts of anxiety, but over the past year or so that has become rare.

I felt anxiety about some specific things, in particular two decisions I had made about the direction in which I wanted to take my business. One decision was to start an Internet TV show on the Real Coaching Network platform. The other was to completely rebrand my business and have a new website built.

Both of these required somewhat large outlays of money, so I told myself that I was anxious about spending the money. Both of these decisions were made about four or five weeks ago.

As I moved forward with each of these projects, I encountered bumps in the road and sometimes roadblocks. I would have moments where I would wake up first thing in the morning overcome with anxiety which was usually related to one of these projects.

I did what I felt I could do to relieve the anxiety. Sometimes this took the form of asking a question of the provider of the service. Other times it was “talking myself down.” The anxiety continued to occur, so nothing I was doing was getting at the root of the problem.

In each case I agonized over whether I had made the right decision. I was never sure. I was full of self-doubt. I kept asking my higher self for guidance, but never seemed to receive it.

I had avoided asking for deliverable dates and sharing some of my concerns with the owner of Real Coaching Network because I was afraid of his reaction. I had several interactions with him fairly early on where he became defensive and blaming when I questioned his process or didn’t want to do something the way he wanted it done.

In one case this was about security. He wanted my login information, including passwords for all my social media accounts, and he wanted me to put them in his online project management tool. Now, I don’t know about you, but I don’t tend to be overly worried about Internet security, but I do know enough not to put my passwords in writing, even on a supposedly secure site! I wasn’t keen on giving them to him at all, and I outright refused to put them somewhere online.

His reaction was to argue with me, to tell me why I had to do it that way, to tell me that no one else he worked with had a problem (are they stupid?), and to tell me that at some point I had to trust someone.

Well, let’s see. I’ve known you for about two weeks, and you are the person I am supposed to trust with all my passwords? Um, no. Anyway, that is just one example of the types of interactions I had with this person that led to me being reluctant to raise issues with him.

Separate from his belligerent attitude, I realized I wasn’t receiving many of the services from him that he was supposed to provide. I was paying a monthly fee for these services and the next month’s payment was coming up in a few days.

I sent him an email with a list of all the services I was supposed to receive and asking for a status on each of them. I also listed things that had been done incorrectly (professionalism is not his strong suit) that needed to be corrected, and asked for a response. I then waited anxiously for the eruption that I was sure I had set off.

I received a response from him a day and a half later. I was getting ready to go out of town for the weekend, and I was fearful that reading his response would lead to more anxiety, and that I would not be in a place where I could respond to him since I was going to be out of town. So I sent him a note that I would respond when I returned.

The morning of my first day back I awoke with tons of anxiety. I tried to go about my morning routine, but finally decided I had to see how he had responded. My expectation was that he would attack and blame me somehow.

I opened up the document and saw that yes, he did blame me for much of what was undone, but that he hadn’t really attacked me.  Whew.  But…aside from the tweaks to fix things he had done incorrectly, he hadn’t done any of the other things that were due, nor told me when they would be complete.

I realize this has become a very long story. To cut to the chase, I stood up to him. I canceled my subscription and asked him to refund the payment that had been made a few days earlier. I did all of this nicely and respectfully, saying that it was not a good fit for me.

He first responded by trying to cajole me, offering to have a phone call that he would come to with an “open heart.” When I said it was too late for that, then the hammer came down. “No refunds. What a bad person you are, Laura, you don’t walk your talk.”

I stood my ground. I contacted an attorney. I called Visa to dispute the charge.

And all the while I was spinning on the idea that I was wrong, I was to blame, I was bad. I realized that this man reminded me of my ex-husband, and that was why I had all the anxiety about interacting with him. His patterns of interacting with me matched my ex-husband’s. And even being aware of this I couldn’t get out of the place of self-blame.

The rest of the day was a very uncomfortable, upsetting one for me. There were moments of crying uncontrollably. Mostly I just felt sick to my stomach. I could see how I was stuck in my head, and stuck in this place of taking responsibility for something that was not my fault, but I couldn’t stop.

That evening I went to Kundalini yoga. If you’ve never tried it, please do! The last thirty minutes is a gonging session where we lay on the floor with pillow and blanket and just feel the vibrations of the gong.  These vibrations release stuck emotions and energy. At the very end of the session I heard a voice inside say, “You have every right to be angry.”

I finished the session feeling significantly better than when I had started. When I woke up the next morning I felt calm and peaceful, and spent most of the day in that state. I realized that this situation had been testing my resolve to be authentic, and to speak my truth regardless of my fears.

The following day as I woke up I saw that the feeling of being cut off from the guidance of my higher self was because I wasn’t paying attention to the guidance I was receiving. All the anxiety I had felt was guidance. Because I was afraid to confront the situation, the anxiety grew and grew, trying to tell me to pay attention.

I realized that I also needed to deal with my concerns about my website project. I sent an email off to the project manager asking to halt the project while I re-evaluated. I felt calm and at peace.

Soon after sending this email, I went for my regular morning walk.  As I approached the road that runs along a bluff above Puget Sound, I saw a single bird flying towards me. As I looked up at this bird I saw it was blue heron.

A sign of self determination, following my path, speaking my truth. I knew I was back on track. My intuition had been there all the time, waiting for me to pay attention, and now I had.

And that’s how Laura got her groove back.

What’s In a Name? A Lot

I’ve decided to legally change my name. I’m going to drop my married name and go back to using my maiden name. This doesn’t sound like such a big deal, but for me there are emotions and history associated with this name change that makes it feel like a triumph for me.

My name has been an issue ever since I got engaged back in 1992, and the discussion about what our married names would be began. It was a little more complicated than simply would I take his name, or I would keep my name.

The first complication was that this was his second marriage, and when he got married the first time they combined their names into a new name. Somehow my ex-husband could not understand that I would not want my married name to contain the maiden name of his first wife. This seemed pretty reasonable to me, but he just didn’t get it.

He had emotional reasons, tied to his family of origin, that he did not want to go back to using his original last name, so he suggested that we choose a name we liked that would be just ours. This didn’t work for me, because part of the meaning of name for me is the family history.

I was already struggling with if I wanted to give up my maiden name (Longley) and essentially say I was no longer part of that clan. To give it up in favor of name that had no connection to anyone else, was just not possible for me.

Eventually my then-fiancé decided that he would be okay with going back to his original last name (Allan), and I agreed that I would change my name to Allan. Until…

As we got closer to the wedding date, I just didn’t want to give up Longley. It felt like I was giving up my identity, and it felt like I was losing my connection to my family of origin. I felt that I would be consumed by the marriage relationship, and that I would cease to exist as an individual.

These feelings and fears ultimately proved to be prophetic. But that comes later in the story.

My fiancé was not okay with us having different last names. It was non-negotiable to him: we must have the same last name. Although the simple solution would have been for him to take my name (Longley) – that solved the issue of giving up my maiden name, as well as us having the same last name – that was not an option to him.

We started counseling to try to figure out what we were going to call ourselves once we were married. In hindsight twenty years later, this was probably a very good clue that we would have some issues in our marriage!

In fact, the core issue in our marriage was his need for us to merge, and my need to maintain a separate identity. This is not an issue that can be resolved through compromise, and it’s not surprising that he’s now my ex-husband.

Ultimately we agreed that he would change his last name back to Allan, and that I would add Allan as a fourth name, keeping my original middle name, as well as Longley. My ex-husband was never fully okay with this solution, but it was a middle ground.

He did not want me to hyphenate my name, so at work I used the last name Longley Allan (with a space between the names) and in other settings I used Longley as a second middle name.

Longley Allan was a difficult last name. Computer systems don’t deal well with a space in the name, and I was forever being called Allan (first name) Longley (last name). When my son was born in 1996 I decided to just use Allan as my last name in all settings.

I was okay with making the change to Allan at that time because the meaning was there for me: I had the same last name as my son. We were a family.

When I divorced, I kept Allan for the same reason; it was my son’s name. I greatly regret not insisting that my son’s middle name be Longley, or even that he have two middle names, one of which was Longley. But his father and I had so many fights over our own names that I just didn’t have it in me to have another one about my son’s name.

So, why am I changing my name now? I still have a son. He still has the last name of Allan. I think the answer is that I have wanted to be a Longley for the entire time I have been an Allan, and my son is at an age where it makes sense.

My son is sixteen and we are going through the separation phase. Last year he decided he wanted to go and live with his dad, so we have physically been separated to a degree (I still see him on weekends).  It feels like whatever bond we have needs to be based on more than a shared name if it is to survive. For me, changing my name now symbolizes that I am letting him go, allowing him to grow up and be whoever he may be.

I did ask my son if he cared if I changed my name, and he said he didn’t. He has plans to change his own name (to something pretty outrageous) once he is eighteen, and said it would be hypocritical for him to tell me not to change my name. I smiled, as somehow I don’t think his name change will ever actually take place.

I do feel a little sad that my son and I will no longer have a name in common, especially as that held meaning for me. But as I’m coming more fully into my authenticity and my identity, choosing the name that feels like me is important.

Finally, now is the time to make this change because I am ready to let go of the power my ex-husband has had. Changing my name is entirely symbolic, but it just feels like as I become a Longley again I am truly shedding the last vestiges of that marriage.

I never was Laura Allan, I always have been Laura Longley.

The Blue Heron Wisdom Internet TV Show Goes Live Today!

If you have enjoyed reading my posts here (which I will continue to do), you might also enjoy tuning into the inaugural episode of my new Internet TV Show, Blue Heron Wisdom.

To find out more about the show and to watch the archives, go here: http://www.realcoachingradio.net/content/blue-heron-wisdom

To tune in live at 7 PM Pacific / 10 PM Eastern click here: http://www.realcoachingradio.net/content/live-studio-call-vip-show-hot-line-303-872-0503

So, you’re probably wondering what this show is all about. Let’s start with the name of the show: Blue Heron Wisdom. The blue heron is a symbol of self-determination, discovering and walking a path of authenticity. My mission is to inspire you to want to be more of who you truly are, to enlighten you on how to move forward on your own unique path, and to encourage you along the way.

In my weekly radio show I will share information about ways to work through common problems and stuck-points, including exercises and tools that you can use at home. We’ll then open up the phone lines for live coaching on any questions or situations you need help working through.

On the first and third Thursday of each month I will introduce you to a practitioner who offers an alternative approach to discovering and walking your own unique path. Some of the guests scheduled include hypnotherapists, EFT practitioners, acupuncturists and a Kundalini yoga instructor. There will be time in the last half of the show for you to call in with questions for the guest, or for me. Or why not get input from each of us?

I hope that you will be inspired by my stories and the stories of my guests, that you will find enlightenment in the ideas, tools and techniques that we offer, and that you will feel encouraged and supported through receiving live coaching for your own questions. My ultimate hope is that by experiencing this inspiration, enlightenment and encouragement, you will in turn inspire, enlighten and encourage others to be more of who they truly are.

Here is the schedule of topics and guests for the first four episodes:

June 14, 2012
The Inaugural Episode with Wendy Wagoner
I will be interviewed by veteran broadcaster Wendy Wagoner. We’ll be discussing my hopes and dreams for how the show will make a difference in the world, how I came to be doing the show, and sharing what’s in store for the coming weeks. We’ll be sure to leave time for you to call in and get some help with situations in your life.

June 21, 2012
Psychic, Medium and Teacher Melissa Peil
Melissa will share how she became aware of her own intuitive gifts, how using your own intuition can help you move in the right direction, and how she uses her gift to help others find the right path. Call in and to get Melissa’s input (or mine) on a problem or decision you need help with.

June 28, 2012
Overcoming Perfectionism with Ina Stockhausen
Join me and my friend and colleague Ina Stockhausen to find out what perfectionism is, why it interferes with being authentic, and what to do about it. Ina and I will address questions you may have about how to set your perfectionism aside and be more of who you truly are.

July 5, 2012
Astrologer and Writer Rhea Wolf
Rhea will share some information about an upcoming astrological event that will require us to call upon our skills to live with change and uncertainty. We’ll have a conversation about resiliency: what is it, why is it important, how to develop it. Call in to ask for an astrological perspective on current events, or for coaching on a difficult situation.

I am incredibly excited (it seems like I use that word a lot lately) about this new chapter in my business. I look forward to your feedback, and talking to you live!

Here are the links again:

To find out more about the show and to watch the archives, go here: http://www.realcoachingradio.net/content/blue-heron-wisdom

To tune in live at 7 PM Pacific / 10 PM Eastern click here: http://www.realcoachingradio.net/content/live-studio-call-vip-show-hot-line-303-872-0503

Being Authentic Means Feeling Emotions

Wow. That’s all I can say: wow. I just love how the Universe tells me when I’m supposed to be focused in a certain area of my life. I also love how I receive help when I request it.

A couple of days ago I had an astrological reading. It was quite amazing, and also kind of overwhelming. One of the primary things the astrologer told me was that I was very intellectual and brilliant (his word). But in order to move forward on my life path and to fully open up my intuition, I needed to let go of my intellectual baggage and feel my body and my emotions.

I have known for quite some time that I spend most of my time in my head. I’ve had therapists and my intuitive healer encourage me to feel my body and my emotions (we feel our emotions in our bodies, not in our heads). I’ve made some attempts to do this, but not on a regular basis. And frankly, most of the time I’m unaware that I’m suppressing my emotions.

Added to this lack of awareness is a big helping of resistance. I really don’t like to feel my feelings and have become a master at avoiding it. I intellectualize everything, which keeps me in my head. If I start to feel sad, or some other uncomfortable emotion, I’ve learned how to distract myself.

I don’t like to cry. It feels bad both emotionally and physically. There are times when I try hard to embrace crying, because I know it is good for me, and I’ve been doing this more lately. But most of the time I work hard at avoiding it.

(If any of my clients are reading this, do as I say when I encourage you to feel your emotions, not as I do!)

Another thing the astrologer told me, related to this idea of feeling, was that I needed to be able to hold polar opposites as part of my essence (who I am authentically). In other words, my preconceived notions of who I am, and who others are, limit my growth.  I realized the truth in the idea that I am not my mental concept of myself, but that I really am a soul that encompasses all possibilities.

But, I didn’t know how to get in touch with that. When I told the astrologer that I didn’t know how to do this, he said that “knowing how” was a mental process and this was a feeling process. Sigh. I’m brilliant at gathering knowledge and know-how. Not so great (yet) at feeling my way to wisdom. But I’m working on it!

Yesterday as I was taking my daily walk I was also having a conversation with Spirit. I told Spirit that I knew I was ready to make this shift from my head to my heart, and asked to be shown the path. I also asked to be aware when opportunities to practice shifting into my body and feelings presented themselves.

In the afternoon I had an appointment with a therapist. I was meeting with her because I was interested in joining a women’s intimacy group she led. She was the answer, or at least one of the answers, to my request for help from Spirit.

She, of course, wanted to know about why I was interested in joining an intimacy group. The bottom line answer is that because I have a narcissistic mother with whom I was enmeshed as a child, I have a huge fear of intimacy. I fear that I will cease to exist within any relationship that becomes too close. At the same time, I have huge desire for intimacy, as we all do at our cores.

She very skillfully pushed me to feel those feelings of not being nurtured in the way I needed as a child. Every time I started to get back into my head and talk about what happened rather than feel it, she would point that out to me. Within 15 minutes of meeting this woman I was sobbing.

As I’m writing this section, I’m crying again. And I’m glad; it’s a good thing. It’s exactly what I need to be doing right now. Fifty-four years of suppressing my emotions is enough. I know that to move forward on my path, to be more authentic, to be the soul that I really am, I have to feel.

It’s not like I didn’t already know this intellectually, but now I’m really feeling it. And it feels awful and wonderful at the same time. Hey! There’s that polarity the astrologer told me I needed to embrace! Feeling awful and wonderful can both exist within me, and at the same time. Amazing!

As I left the therapist’s office yesterday I felt drained and exhausted, and also committed to finally allowing myself to feel. I was grateful to have met someone who can guide me in this process. I also felt incredibly grateful for the guidance from the Universe. The timing of hearing the astrologer’s message the day before I met with the therapist was perfect.

I’m looking forward to really being myself. To feeling how I really feel, in the moment. To letting others know how I really feel (okay that feels a little scary, but I will get there). To being who I really am, not just my concept of myself.