Talking to Yourself Is A Sign Of Sanity, Not Insanity: Reducing Anxiety Through Power Walking

Much of my life I suffered from anxiety on a regular basis. Obviously this is not a fun (or useful) state in which to be. The good news is that I found some techniques that really helped me manage my anxiety, and they are still helpful when I do have one of those moments. One of my favorites is what I call power walking.

Have you noticed that when you feel anxious, you physically feel different? It’s not just a feeling in the sense of an emotion, but a feeling in your body. This is true of all emotions, and I would imagine that’s why they are also called feelings. For me, when I feel anxious it’s this fluttery feeling in my chest, and I feel very restless as if I couldn’t sit still if you paid me.

Since our bodies carry our emotions, it is sometimes useful to use our bodies to process those emotions. That’s part of what power walking is about. Obviously walking is using our bodies, so the first part of power walking is to start walking!

The second piece is to process your thoughts as you are walking by talking out loud. This exercise can move you through truly processing your thoughts, when sometimes just thinking your thoughts can’t.  When we speak out loud, we access a different part of our brain than when we’re just thinking, which is why this works.

This difference between thinking thoughts and speaking them is also part of why talk therapy is effective. Many times clients figure out the answers they’re looking for in the course of describing the problem to the therapist! Ooops – maybe I shouldn’t share that or I’ll be out of a job! 🙂

So, here’s how you use this very simple technique for reducing anxiety: you go outside (ideally) and start walking briskly and talking out loud. It’s that easy. If you’re worried that people will overhear you and wonder why you’re talking to yourself, use your cell phone or bluetooth as a prop. These days no one thinks anything about people talking to themselves when they see their bluetooth earpiece in place!

Your talk is a stream of consciousness. Just start with whatever thought is foremost in your mind, and see where it leads you. If it helps, you can imagine you’re talking to someone else. Describe to them what is going on for you.

You will be amazed to find that solutions to problems will come to you as you’re talking to yourself. You might find yourself considering a new perspective on something that is upsetting you. Or maybe you’ll talk yourself right into realizing that whatever you’re stressing about is really not that big of a deal.

For several years I have been taking a daily walk in the morning, and whether or not I’m feeling anxious, I talk out loud to myself. If there’s something in particular on my mind, I’ll start talking about that situation.  If I don’t have anything in particular, I’ll just start talking and see what comes out of my mouth.

In addition to reducing my anxiety this way, I have had numerous insights and inspirations while taking power walks. New ideas come to me, seemingly out of the blue. My belief is that physical activity coupled with speaking out loud gives access to a part of ourselves that isn’t always available to us when we just sit and think. I view it as an active meditation.

On the surface it may sound a little crazy to walk and talk out loud to yourself, but it is one of the things that has kept me from feeling crazy when I am anxious. Give it a try and see. I have no doubt you will be pleasantly surprised.

The Next Step is All You Need

Several weeks ago when I was feeling in a fog and not knowing what direction to go, I had a conversation with a friend of mine. What he told me has stuck with me since: I don’t need to know any more than what the next step is.

Frequently in the fog, we can see a few feet ahead, but not much further. When you’re driving a car and going fast, being able to only see a few feet ahead is dangerous. But if you’re on foot, being able to see a few feet ahead shows you where you will be putting your foot in your next step. It’s enough to be able to know whether or not taking the next step will be safe.

The same is true metaphorically. When I’m feeling in a fog, and can’t see my ultimate destination, I don’t want to be racing ahead as if I’m in a car. I want to move slowly and deliberately, as if I were on foot in a fog. All I really need to know is where to place my foot for that next step.

What triggered the fog for me most recently was the idea that I am meant to move away from Seattle. In fact, what came to me is that I am meant to move to Edinburgh, Scotland.

When I began contemplating this, I immediately became very anxious and worried. How would my mother and my son react to me moving to another country? Should I sell my house or rent it out? What about my car? And my cats – could I take them with me?

And on and on and on. Lots of things to worry about.

When my friend put out this idea of not needing to know more than the next step, I immediately relaxed. I knew that the next step was to visit Edinburgh for a prolonged period of time to see if I really did want to move there.

So I decided on a timeframe when I could spend a month in Edinburgh, and booked a flight and a room. That was my next step. Nothing else needed to be done in the meantime, because until I made the visit I didn’t even know for sure that Edinburgh would be my ultimate destination. There was no point in worrying about the logistics of moving there yet.

Over the next week after I booked my trip I still had thoughts popping up about the logistics of moving. But each time one of these thoughts came into my head – and I noticed when this happened because I would begin to feel anxious – I told myself that I didn’t need to know that yet.

I can’t tell you what a relief this was! I didn’t have to know that yet! I could choose to think about that sometime in the future when it was more appropriate.

What about you? Is there a situation in your life right now where you’re not really sure of the ultimate destination? Are you worrying about the fact that you don’t know where you’re going – or worrying about how to get to the destination that is not even clear to you yet?

If this is true for you, try this:

1. Ask yourself where you’re trying to go.
2. If you know your destination, ask yourself what is the next step that will lead you in that direction.
3. If you aren’t clear on your destination (for example, wondering whether you should stay in your current career, or go back to school for a different career), ask yourself what is the next step that will help to bring clarity on your destination.
4. Quit worry, ruminating, mulling over. You know what your next step is. You don’t need to know more yet.
5. Feel the relief of not having to know all the answers right now!

Cleaning Out the Basement – Literally and Figuratively

For years I’ve been talking about cleaning out the basement of my house. I’ve been aware that there is a bunch of junk down there that I don’t want or need, and as time passes it gets messier and messier.

About seven years ago I was thinking of doing some remodeling to my house, but nothing was working out. I had a woman come and do feng shui to help me figure out if I was supposed to do the remodel. One thing I learned that has stuck with me is that even though all my mess was in the unfinished basement where I rarely went, it wasn’t really out of sight, out of mind.

What this woman told me was that even though the mess and chaos was not visible, it was in the foundation layer of my house – the basement – which meant it was also in my own foundation.

Cleaning out the basement has felt extremely overwhelming, which is why I’ve never done it until recently. I’ve lived in my house for nearly twelve years, and there were things that went directly in the basement when I moved in, never to be seen again. Add to that twelve years of accumulated stuff and the basement was full and very disorganized.

Even though I didn’t directly address the mess in the basement, it was always in the back of my mind, nagging at me. Five years ago I was considering selling my house. One of the things that really appealed to me about selling the house was that then I would have to clean out the basement. I could move somewhere pristine and start from a better place than where I was currently.

Well, I finally got around to cleaning out the basement over the past several weeks. I found I can only tolerate a few hours at a time – so many decisions to make about so much stuff – so it has taken me four sessions to have the purge mostly completed. The only thing left now is a dresser whose drawers are full of clothes that are at least twelve years old, and probably haven’t fit me for even longer.

Through this process of literally cleaning out my basement, I have discovered the truth in the feng shui woman’s words. Cleaning out my basement is about letting go of the past so I can make room for the future. It’s about letting go of my attachment to things, knowing that the things don’t really mean anything. It’s about letting go of the fear that I might need something I’m purging in the future, and knowing that if I do need it, I will always be able to find what I need without holding onto it now.

You can see that there is a correlation between cleaning out my physical, material stuff, and cleaning out emotional stuff. It’s no coincidence that the week I began the basement project, is also the week that I had an inspiration that I was meant to leave Seattle. Both of these require letting go of the past in order to move forward.

And it’s no surprise that having this epiphany about moving one day before I began my basement cleanout sent me into a tailspin the day after the basement project began. I wrote about that experience in Stuck in the Fog? Use Your Foghorn!

Over the past several weeks I have been challenged with letting go of the past and having faith that I am moving in the right direction, even though my destination is not always visible through the fog.  I have found the combination of physically cleaning up my living space at the same time as figuratively cleaning up my internal space to be a great way to move forward by leaps and bounds.

As I’ve continued to clean out my basement, I’ve felt lighter. I’ve come to view all the stuff I had down there as an anchor that kept me stuck in place. The more I have purged the material stuff, the more I have wanted to purge. It’s a heady feeling to not need all that stuff to be okay, and to realize that the stuff actually keeps me from being where I want and need to be in life.

Here are some questions to ask yourself if you’re feeling stuck in your life:

1.      What physical or material situations are keeping me stuck in the past?

2.      How is holding on to this material stuff related to holding onto emotional stuff?

3.      If I were to let go of some of this stuff, how would I feel?

4.      What are the fears that prevent me from getting rid of stuff that no longer serves me?

Whole Lotta Shakin’ Goin’ On – 4 Techniques for Managing Anxiety about Change

Over the past several weeks I have been experiencing periods of anxiety. Anxiety is just another word for fear. I know that this anxiety is my ego, my warning system, trying to tell me that I’m venturing into unsafe territory.

A few weeks ago I suddenly had a knowing that I was supposed to move. I acknowledged out loud a feeling I’ve had for a while that I am meant to leave Seattle, at least for now. That unleashed a whole lot of discomfort and fear.

Even after I worked through the immediate fear reaction, I have continued to have moments of anxiety pop up, seemingly for no apparent reason. However, I know that it is my system adjusting to this new idea.

Whenever we are making changes in our lives, whether they are big or small, whether we think it’s a good change or a bad change, our systems get shaken up. As humans, we like to maintain equilibrium, to keep things the same. When we start to make changes, our ego – whose job it is to protect us – starts making noise.

Warning! Warning! Things are changing! We’re no longer in equilibrium. Pay attention!

Here are a few things that help me whenever this happens:

1.      I take some slow, deep breaths. When we get anxious our breathing becomes quick and shallow. This is part of the fight or flight response. By consciously changing my physical response, I can also change how I feel emotionally.

2.      I remind myself that both fear and excitement have the same chemical reaction in my body, and ask myself if I can choose to feel excited rather than anxious. Especially in my current situation, excitement is part of the equation. Yes, I have some fear about how things will all work out. But I’m also excited about this change.

3.      I don’t get attached to the anxiety. In the past, whenever I felt anxious I would search for the reason, and of course I could come up with a dozen of them. Searching for reasons I might feel anxious only perpetuates the feeling. Now I choose to notice and acknowledge the fear: “I’m feeling anxious,” but don’t get caught up in justifying that anxiety by looking for reasons to be fearful.

4.       I accept that anxiety is a by-product of making changes. It is natural and normal that when we step outside our comfort zone, that when we upset our equilibrium, our ego is going to try to get us to move back to where it is “safe.” I know that as I move through the change that I am making, this fear will eventually dissipate as I reach a new equilibrium point.

Stuck in the Fog? Use Your Foghorn!

A few days ago I awoke feeling like I was in a fog. Not that my head was fuzzy. Sometimes that can be a nice feeling. This was a feeling of not knowing my direction. Not being able to see where I was going.

I tend to be someone who gets an idea and then runs with it. Now I was in a place where I felt torn in many directions, but not really focused on any of them. I didn’t know which way to turn. It was extremely uncomfortable, and I’ll admit that I had a “meltdown.”

I felt so lost and alone; truly like being lost in the fog. In the past when I didn’t know what to do, I learned that surrendering to Spirit (or higher self) to guide me was all that I could do. I cried. I cried hard. I talked out loud about how lost and lonely and without direction I felt. About how miserable I felt.

When I felt cried out, I stopped and went about my morning business. I went for my morning walk, as usual. It was quite foggy, as it had been in Seattle for the past several mornings. As I walked, I could hear a foghorn out in Puget Sound.

It occurred to me that I should use my own foghorn to let people know I’m here, that I’m stuck in the fog.  Use my foghorn to ask them to help me navigate. Asking for help has never been my strong suit, and it definitely is an area of growth for me. Yet it felt like a relief once I realized I didn’t have to be lost in the fog all alone.

I belong to a private group on Facebook that consists of people who have taken Robert Holden’s Happiness or Success Coaching Certification classes. I knew these were people I could trust with my vulnerability.

So I posted in the group about how I was feeling lost and directionless. I immediately began getting thoughtful and heartfelt responses. Each and every post had something of value for me. Just seeing people respond to my request for help led to me feeling better. I realized that my surrender in my earlier “meltdown” was answered by hearing the foghorn on my walk, and realizing I don’t have to do this alone.

The next time that you’re lost in the fog, feeling alone and directionless, use your foghorn!

What’s In a Name? A Lot

I’ve decided to legally change my name. I’m going to drop my married name and go back to using my maiden name. This doesn’t sound like such a big deal, but for me there are emotions and history associated with this name change that makes it feel like a triumph for me.

My name has been an issue ever since I got engaged back in 1992, and the discussion about what our married names would be began. It was a little more complicated than simply would I take his name, or I would keep my name.

The first complication was that this was his second marriage, and when he got married the first time they combined their names into a new name. Somehow my ex-husband could not understand that I would not want my married name to contain the maiden name of his first wife. This seemed pretty reasonable to me, but he just didn’t get it.

He had emotional reasons, tied to his family of origin, that he did not want to go back to using his original last name, so he suggested that we choose a name we liked that would be just ours. This didn’t work for me, because part of the meaning of name for me is the family history.

I was already struggling with if I wanted to give up my maiden name (Longley) and essentially say I was no longer part of that clan. To give it up in favor of name that had no connection to anyone else, was just not possible for me.

Eventually my then-fiancé decided that he would be okay with going back to his original last name (Allan), and I agreed that I would change my name to Allan. Until…

As we got closer to the wedding date, I just didn’t want to give up Longley. It felt like I was giving up my identity, and it felt like I was losing my connection to my family of origin. I felt that I would be consumed by the marriage relationship, and that I would cease to exist as an individual.

These feelings and fears ultimately proved to be prophetic. But that comes later in the story.

My fiancé was not okay with us having different last names. It was non-negotiable to him: we must have the same last name. Although the simple solution would have been for him to take my name (Longley) – that solved the issue of giving up my maiden name, as well as us having the same last name – that was not an option to him.

We started counseling to try to figure out what we were going to call ourselves once we were married. In hindsight twenty years later, this was probably a very good clue that we would have some issues in our marriage!

In fact, the core issue in our marriage was his need for us to merge, and my need to maintain a separate identity. This is not an issue that can be resolved through compromise, and it’s not surprising that he’s now my ex-husband.

Ultimately we agreed that he would change his last name back to Allan, and that I would add Allan as a fourth name, keeping my original middle name, as well as Longley. My ex-husband was never fully okay with this solution, but it was a middle ground.

He did not want me to hyphenate my name, so at work I used the last name Longley Allan (with a space between the names) and in other settings I used Longley as a second middle name.

Longley Allan was a difficult last name. Computer systems don’t deal well with a space in the name, and I was forever being called Allan (first name) Longley (last name). When my son was born in 1996 I decided to just use Allan as my last name in all settings.

I was okay with making the change to Allan at that time because the meaning was there for me: I had the same last name as my son. We were a family.

When I divorced, I kept Allan for the same reason; it was my son’s name. I greatly regret not insisting that my son’s middle name be Longley, or even that he have two middle names, one of which was Longley. But his father and I had so many fights over our own names that I just didn’t have it in me to have another one about my son’s name.

So, why am I changing my name now? I still have a son. He still has the last name of Allan. I think the answer is that I have wanted to be a Longley for the entire time I have been an Allan, and my son is at an age where it makes sense.

My son is sixteen and we are going through the separation phase. Last year he decided he wanted to go and live with his dad, so we have physically been separated to a degree (I still see him on weekends).  It feels like whatever bond we have needs to be based on more than a shared name if it is to survive. For me, changing my name now symbolizes that I am letting him go, allowing him to grow up and be whoever he may be.

I did ask my son if he cared if I changed my name, and he said he didn’t. He has plans to change his own name (to something pretty outrageous) once he is eighteen, and said it would be hypocritical for him to tell me not to change my name. I smiled, as somehow I don’t think his name change will ever actually take place.

I do feel a little sad that my son and I will no longer have a name in common, especially as that held meaning for me. But as I’m coming more fully into my authenticity and my identity, choosing the name that feels like me is important.

Finally, now is the time to make this change because I am ready to let go of the power my ex-husband has had. Changing my name is entirely symbolic, but it just feels like as I become a Longley again I am truly shedding the last vestiges of that marriage.

I never was Laura Allan, I always have been Laura Longley.