Taking a Leap of Faith – and the Accompanying Terror

I awoke early this morning and was filled with terror. My mind began running rampant, cataloging all the things I had to be fearful about. At the top of the list, as always, was not having enough money.

I recently took a leap of faith and moved across the country from Seattle to Salisbury, Massachusetts. I didn’t know what I would do for work, but had been fortunate enough for two part-time opportunities (one with my Seattle employer) to present themselves. In the 10 days since I’ve been in my new home I have been overwhelmed with trying to make sure that I am working enough to make as much money as I was making full-time. Yesterday, both jobs had less work for me to do, and I became fearful about the future prospects with each of them.

When I awoke this morning, I panicked. My mind was whirling with figuring out what I could do to get some more work / money, either with these two opportunities, or in some other way.

I cried for about 5 minutes, and cried out to God to help me. I had a few big yawns (a sign for me that energy is moving) and fell into a deep dream-filled sleep for an hour.

When I next awoke, I was conscious of a change in perspective. I have taken leaps of faith in the past: starting my private counseling practice during a recession, choosing to stop doing work that didn’t resonate with me, choosing not to work for several years to focus on my internal growth, and too many more to mention here. And, it has always worked out for me.

Not always in the way I would have said I wanted in the beginning, or in a way I could have predicted. But it has always worked out for my benefit.

So, with that foundation, I thought about how holding on to the past with my current jobs may be preventing me from moving into my future.

It is terrifying to consider letting go of the only source(s) of income that I currently have. And, the truth is, I’ve known for some time that neither of these jobs is in my future. I need to let go of the idea that this is how I will make my living in the future in order to open the door for other possibilities to show up. And I’m scared.

A few days ago I was shuffling Tarot cards to do a 3-card spread for myself. The Fool literally leapt out of the deck and fell into my lap. A coincidence? I think not. The Fool is about new beginnings and letting go of the past. He also represents bringing a child-like innocence to the unlimited possibilities of the Universe.

I keep coming back to the letting go of the past part. I am still hanging on to certain aspects of the past, not just with my jobs. I see that it is my work now to cut those cords so that I can be free to move forward.

This is not an easy task, but I know it is the right path.

Wish me luck, and I will keep you posted!

When I Don’t Trust Others, I Really Don’t Trust Spirit

Last year I realized that I have been over-protective of my son in a way that is not healthy for either of us. I have taken on his difficult emotions so that he did not have to feel them. In doing this, I’ve kept him from learning and growing in certain ways.

In learning to have a more separate existence from him, I’ve realized that I don’t trust him to keep himself safe. That I have a very deep fear – terror really – that if I don’t protect him he will not survive. Intellectually I know that we each need to be responsible for ourselves, and that he has his own path and lessons to learn in this lifetime.

But as a mother, it can be really difficult to find that fine line between protecting a vulnerable child who doesn’t yet have the skills or wherewithal to take care of himself, and over-protecting to the point where the child doesn’t have the opportunity to learn those skills.

My son is almost an adult now. The line is much clearer than it was when he was younger. And yet…

Some things have happened in the past several months that have really brought to light how much over the line I have been in my son’s life, and the need to find a better balance. I totally get this. Again, intellectually. And yet the terror remains.

If I truly believe that we each come here with a purpose, and our own life lessons to learn (which I do), then I need to be able to trust that whatever happens is for my benefit, and for my son’s benefit. When I don’t trust him to take care of himself, I really don’t trust Spirit. I don’t trust that all things happen for the benefit of all.

I do have faith. I do believe that the Universe is benevolent.

I realize that being able to fully trust and surrender to the benevolence of Spirit is a remnant of my control issues. Throughout my life until somewhat recently I have felt that I’m the only one I can rely on. That it is my responsibility to keep myself and those I love safe.

We’re all works in progress, and I would guess that letting go of control (or rather the illusion of control) is one of my life lessons. How freeing it must be to be able to rely on others, and on Spirit. To not have to be in charge of everything.

And at the same time it feels pretty darn scary.

So, one step at a time, one situation at a time.

The circumstances with my son are there not only for his benefit, but for mine. To give me the opportunity to choose to trust him, and to trust Spirit.

Eagles, Part II – The Battle Between Ego and Higher Self

On the second day of my Olympic Peninsula adventure, I decided to go to Cape Flattery. Cape Flattery is the most northwest point of the continental United States. I’d been to Key West which is the most southern point, so it seemed kind of fun to go to the most northwest point. Not to mention that it’s in my home state, so why hadn’t I been there in 55 years?

Also, part of the goal of my trip was to spend some time at the ocean, and Cape Flattery is the point where the Strait of Juan de Fuca meets the Pacific Ocean. Pretty cool.

I arrived at the parking lot and saw that there was a trail through the woods that led to the coastline. As I walked the trail there were side trails that led to overlooks of the water crashing below.

I am so bad with distances, but I would say the cliff is a couple of hundred feet above the water crashing below. It is quite rocky, with inlets of water on either side of the land where the trail was.

From these overlooks I could see caves that had been created in the rock from the unrelenting crash of the water. There were lots of birds flying, in the water, and on the rocks: seagulls and several types of water fowl. I was overcome by the power and majesty of nature. To say it was beautiful is a severe understatement.

When I reached the end of the trail there was a raised wooden platform with benches. The vista from this lookout was spectacular! To the north I could see Vancouver Island. directly in front of me to the west was little Tatoosh Island, with the lighthouse. To the south were more rocky cliffs and rocky islands with surf crashing around them. It was spectacular!

I stood and took in the view for a while. Watched all the various birds. Eventually I decided I wanted to just sit and listen to the sound of the ocean. There was no one else around, and I sat on one of the benches and closed my eyes.

I’ve always found the sound of the ocean so soothing. I sat and listened, meditating on the sound. After a few minutes I felt the urge to open my eyes. I had intended to sit like this, just listening, for ten minute or so. But for some reason I felt it was time to open my eyes after just a couple of minutes.

When I opened my eyes, I saw directly in front of me two eagles in the air. I got up and walked to the railing at the edge of the platform to get a better view. This was not two eagles soaring on the thermals as I have  seen before. One of the eagles was definitely chasing the other.

At one point, the eagle being chased landed on an outcropping of rock directly across the cove from where I was standing. However, he didn’t stay long as the second eagle dive-bombed him. He took off into the air again.

On the next pass, the eagle under attack rolled his body so that his claws were facing up. The attacking eagle was flying directly above him, and they struck at one another with their claws in mid-air. This took place at eye level from where I was standing, perhaps 100 feet away.

I felt very distressed witnessing this violence. I was worried that one of them would be seriously injured, and I didn’t want to see that. I said out loud, “Don’t hurt him.” At that point the first eagle flew off to the north and around a point of land to the Strait of Juan de Fuca.

I had hoped that the second eagle would let him go, as he had now successfully run him off. But he followed behind, although at a distance.  I was grateful that whatever may happen next (maybe nothing?) would be out of my sight.

Now that they were gone, I had time to process what had happened. I feel that I was meant to open my eyes when I did. The eagles were only there for a minute or two. If I had continued my meditation (as I originally intended), I would not have seen them.

So, what was the message in this scene? Eagles represent Spirit (God, Source, the Universe). What could two eagles fighting mean? I was highly affected emotionally by what I had witnessed, so I believed there was a message there. But what was that message?

Although I leave myself open to further insights about this experience, what I believe these two eagles locked in battle represent is the battle between Ego and the Higher Self. I view the eagle being attacked as the Ego, and the attacker as the Higher Self.

I have been going through a process of identifying more and more with my Higher Self. Sometimes with greater success than other times, but always with more awareness of which part of me is in control.

What I came to understand from the experience with the eagles, is that both parts of me need to exist; both parts will continue to exist. This is why I cried out “Don’t hurt him.” Ego cannot, and should not, be killed or destroyed. It serves a purpose when kept in check.

But my Higher Self is becoming stronger and more dominant than my Ego. It’s the part that’s in control more of the time now. When Ego tries to assert itself inappropriately, the Higher Self can run it off and send it back to its own territory –firmly, but without harming it.

Conversely, I can see this as a warning that if I allow it, Ego can chase away my Higher Self. Ego cannot kill the Higher Self. It will still exist, but will not be dominant in my perspective and in my choices.

I know this all sounds kind of woo-woo and out there. And at the same time I know I witnessed this scene for a reason. There was a message here for me.

I’m open to other interpretations.  Please share your thoughts.

Eagles, Part I – Spirit Is Always Present

Friday was my birthday. Several weeks earlier I made plans to go by myself to the Olympic Peninsula. Part of my motivation was to spend some time alone in nature. To reflect and meditate on what I wanted to create in the coming year.

On a clear day when I am driving the hills of Seattle near my home I can see the Olympic Mountains. Over the past couple of years I have felt a pull to go to the Olympic Peninsula, especially to the northern part of the coast where it is rocky and wild.

However, that is not a day drive, as it takes four hours or more to get there, and requires planning for where I would stay overnight. With my birthday coming up it seemed like the perfect excuse for this getaway.

I’ll admit, too, that the other part of my motivation was that I didn’t want to end up alone and with no plans on my birthday weekend. It was something of preemptive strike to make plans for that weekend so that I was choosing to be alone rather than ending up alone.

On Friday I had no special birthday plans. I did a Skype call with a friend from church that was business-related. I met a new friend for tea, and she bought my tea and pastry, which was nice and unexpected. I saw a couple of clients and went for my monthly acupuncture appointment.

I stopped for dinner at my favorite Thai restaurant on my way home from the acupuncturist. Nothing special and I was okay with that.

When I got home it was still early in the evening, and I suddenly felt very lonely and sad. It was my birthday, and no one had invited me to do anything to celebrate. Of course the flip side of that is that I had not let my friends know that I wanted to do something. But either way, I felt very sad and sorry for myself.

I was even beginning to feel like I didn’t want to leave on my weekend trip the next morning. I had a vague sense of loss or grief at leaving home for the weekend. I worried about my cats, which of course are fine on their own overnight.

I did what I frequently do when I begin to feel sad, lonely or grief-stricken. I distracted myself by playing games on the computer and reading. I hoped I would not be feeling this way all weekend.

When I awoke Saturday morning I did, indeed, feel better. I had been thinking about the route I would take to the hotel. Where would I like to go, what would I like to see and do on the way?

After treating myself to breakfast out, I decided to go to a park at the south end of Hood Canal: Penrose State Park. My family had gone there many times when I was a child. Sometimes we would go for the day and go clam digging. When we got home my dad would make chowder with the clams. Other times we would camp overnight, hike in the woods near the water, and dig caves in the sandy bank at the water’s edge.

I hadn’t been to Penrose for about five years, and prior to that had not been since I was an adolescent. This stop was a nostalgic one for me.

I arrived mid-morning. There had been a little rain while I was having breakfast, but now it was dry, with some broken clouds. I had brought a raincoat and boots because the weather can be unpredictable, but I was thankful that I would not need them – at least not right then.

The tide was about halfway out, and the spit of land where we walked to dig clams was fully exposed. I decided to take a walk out on this spit. The path along the top of the spit was somewhat rocky, and required a certain amount of attention to my feet and where I was stepping so that I didn’t turn my ankle.

As I walked this spit of land that stuck out into the water, I would occasionally look around at the view: land close in on both sides, still and quiet water, a seagull or crow here and there.

I noticed streams of water spurting up from the ground in the wet areas on either side of the pathway. I remember that seeing these fountains was how we knew there was a clam, and would start digging to find it. It was a fun and warm memory of time with my dad.

After ten minutes or so, I was about halfway down the length of the spit. I was continuing my slow walk, looking around me occasionally, but also focused on where I was stepping. To my left I suddenly heard the beat of wings and looked up to see a bald eagle taking off from the ground not more than ten feet away from me!

He flew back to the forested land at the edge of the water and perched on the top of an evergreen tree. From where I was standing I could only see him because of his white head. I was amazed (and a little disappointed) that I had come so close to this eagle, and yet had not noticed him there.

I know that eagles symbolize Spirit. I realized that this experience was a message that Spirit is always with me, whether I notice it or not. Spirit watches over me even when it is hidden in the top of a tree and I can’t see it. It is still there, just waiting to be noticed.

I was (and am) so grateful for this experience, this reminder. I had been feeling sad and lonely, unloved and uncared for, yet Spirit was with me all the time, loving me and caring for me. All I had to do was pay attention.

I Never Met a Self-Improvement Program I Didn’t Like

A couple of years ago I was telling my therapist at the time about some book I was reading or an online program I was doing to improve my life.  I don’t remember specifically what it was or how it was supposed to make my life better, just that I was excited about it.  He responded by saying, “You never met a program you didn’t like.”

I was a little taken aback at first.  Then I realized that what he was saying was that I didn’t trust my own instincts about how to move forward and become who I wanted to be; that I believed that others knew the answer to this better than I did.  My therapist’s belief was that I already knew how to get where I wanted to be if I just tuned into my authenticity.

Intellectually I got what he was saying, but I still felt like I needed a roadmap laid out by an expert to reach any major destination in my life.  It was comforting to me to know that if I did step A through Z I would arrive safely where I wanted to be. This is a very black and white way of thinking and doesn’t take into account that we all have our own path, and what resonates for one person may not resonate for another.

Using this program approach was sometimes helpful for me and got me to the destination I wanted. Other times I ended up feeling frustrated because the program just didn’t fit for me.  In those cases I would end up blaming myself for not doing it “right” instead of acknowledging that this particular program was just not a good fit for me.

You can see that I valued the experience and opinions of others over my own.  I did not yet trust that I am the one who knows me best, and that with guidance from my higher self I know how and when to act.

I think we all would like to know the magic formula that will transport us to being the person we want to be, or being in the relationship we dream of, or having the success we want for our lives. I’ve come to realize that the magic formula is not outside of me in a book or a teleseminar led by an expert. It’s already in me, and I’m the expert.

This is not to say that there is no value in the experience and expertise of others; there is. I still read books on personal growth topics that interest me. I recently did a teleseminar series on connecting with my soul mate that I found to be very enlightening. Learning new tips, tools and techniques keeps me from having to reinvent the wheel.

However, I have become much more discriminating about which of these I choose to take up. I often come back to what my therapist said to me that day and ask myself if I am just looking for the next new, great thing to save me.

I’ve also gotten pretty good at knowing quickly when something does not fit for me and just moving on.  In the past if something wasn’t resonating I would have questioned myself because, after all, this was an expert telling me that this is the way it is.  Now I know that I am the expert on me, and that if something doesn’t feel right for me then it isn’t. This doesn’t mean that the expert is wrong, just that what works for them does not work for me.

I find that the programs that resonate for me all have one thing in common: they are focused on how I co-create what I experience in the world. This idea resonates for me and connects with how I live my life, which really is about me getting clearer on who I am authentically and what I want to create in my life and in the world.

I can still sometimes get sucked into wanting someone else to tell me how to get where I want to go. When I see this happening I know that fear (ego) is in control and I’m not trusting in my authentic self and the Universe to guide me.

There is great freedom in being in this place of knowing what’s right for me, and trusting my own path.

When I am on the Right Path, the Universe Supports Me

In the past week I had several occasions to tell my story of making a mid-life career change.  In each telling I shared how once I paid attention to the messages I was getting about being in the wrong career, support for making the change showed up. I have been aware for some time that I get “messages from the Universe” that let me know that I’m on the right path, or that I need to make a course adjustment.

Even the name of my blog, Blue Heron Wisdom, tips my hat to those messages.  I think that acknowledging this support on a regular basis is a good way to get even more support from the Universe.  In that spirit, I want to share the ways in which the Universe has supported me in pursuing my new (now current) career.

When I first awoke to the idea that I needed to make a career change I was in a job where I wasn’t challenged and my boss was not supportive, was volatile, and was sometimes verbally abusive.  I was really unhappy and the stress was affecting my physical health. For several months I had been looking for a different job, and once I became clear on the fact that I needed not just a job change, but a career change, that next job showed up.

I had worked for many years – 26 years at that time – in software development.  I decided that I wanted to pursue my dream of becoming a counselor, but of course I did not have the right education yet to make that possible.  I would need to return to school and get a master’s degree in psychology, counseling or some other related field, so I couldn’t immediately change careers.

However, I couldn’t wait two years or more (when I finished school) to change jobs.  My current job was just too unpleasant and stressful.  The next job I found, and ultimately my last job in software development, was the opposite.  My boss was supportive and actually liked me, the team I worked with liked and appreciated me, and upper management thought I was great.  It was wonderful to be appreciated.

But this change to a more pleasant work environment did not mean that I didn’t still need to change careers.  It just meant that now that I had woken up and realized I had been on the wrong path and was moving in the right direction (I had applied to grad school for the fall), that I no longer had to suffer.

The lovely new work environment even extended to supporting me in making my career change.  Although my boss new that once I finished school I would no longer be working there, he gave me time off to go to school and let me work part time while I did my internship.  Now that is support!  Not only from my boss and the company, but from the Universe!

Since the school I attended met for full days on weekdays every seven or eight weeks, I could not have participated in the program without that flexibility from my workplace.  Additionally, in the second year of the program I was required to do an internship 20 hours a week.  As a single parent of a child that was too young to be left home alone, there was no way I could have worked 40 hours a week while doing my internship.  I was, and am, extremely grateful for the support I received from the Universe, through my boss and workplace, during those two years.

Once I graduated I was hired into the community mental health organization where I had been interning.  My plan was to work there until I gathered enough client contact and supervision hours to be licensed, and then I would start my private practice.

I want to forewarn you that there is going to be a lot of talk about money coming up here.  I know that many people in our society believe that money is something that should be kept private.  My belief is that I need to thank the Universe and express appreciation for what I receive, so I need to be truthful about it.  Additionally, I hope that my experience will be inspirational for others, which it cannot be if I don’t tell the truth about it.

The sad truth about social services jobs is that they are extremely underpaid.  I went from making $100,000 a year in software development, to making a little over $13 an hour (that’s less than $30,000 a year) in community mental health.  I knew this would be the case when I chose to make my career change and had decided I would supplement my income with withdrawals from my 401K.

About nine months after I graduated from my master’s program I needed to start making payments on my student loan.  Even stretching the payments out for the longest possible term, this meant a $300 a month payment.  Given that I was already drawing on my 401K just to support myself, the additional payment seemed like a lot.

I had been attending an intention circle, where we practiced the Law of Attraction by writing intentions and sharing them with the group, for about year at that time.  I wrote an intention that said “My school loans are repaid easily and effortlessly without impacting my lifestyle or my savings” and forgot about it.

I had the idea that I would ask my mother to give me the money to make the first year’s worth of payments, which would be about $4000.  It was a big step for me to ask my mother for money.  There’s a lot of history I won’t go into right now, but suffice it to say it was a conscious choice for me to do something different in that relationship.  I knew that she would say yes, but I didn’t like being indebted to her.

When I called to her to ask for this favor she immediately agreed. We went on to talk about the logistics of when this money would be available to me, and in the course of that discussion I said something about how much more expensive school was now than when I had been an undergraduate thirty years earlier.  I said something like “Back then it was $282 a semester and now it was $40,000 for these two years!”  My mom replied by saying, “Well, I can give you the whole $40,000.”

Wow! This exactly fit the intention I had set a few days earlier, but was not at all what I’d had in mind when I wrote it.  The Universe works in mysterious and wonderful ways that I cannot even begin to imagine!

A couple of months later I met my mom at the bank to get a cashier’s check to fully repay the school loan.  She was cashing in a $100,000 CD that had come due in order to give me that money.  When we were having lunch later that day she said to me, “Interest rates are so low it doesn’t pay to put the rest of the money (the remaining $60,000) back in a CD, so think about how you could use that money.”  Wow again.  Thank you, mom!

I didn’t immediately clue into how I was supposed to use that money.  I could have paid off my car loan, but it wasn’t enough to pay off my mortgage which was the biggest outgoing monthly payment that I had by far.

It took another month or so for me to realize how I was intended to use this gift from my mother.  As I mentioned earlier, my idea had been to stay in community mental health until I was licensed, which was still about a year away.  However, I had begun getting messages from the Universe that it was time to move on.

These messages were sometimes subtle, such as my voice mail at work getting disconnected multiple times, but I began to notice that my patience for that work environment was wearing thing.  Finally, one day I had an epiphany that this generous gift from my mother was intended to fund the start of my private practice!

In the end, I left community mental health a year earlier than I had originally planned, and it has all worked out well.  It was the exact right choice and in the exact right time, made possible by the Universe supporting me through my mother.

Since then I have continued to see evidence of being supported by the Universe on this journey I’m on, both through the manifestation of financial means as well as emotional and spiritually.

Thank you Universe, Spirit, God – whatever name you prefer!  I am incredibly grateful!

Surrender: Ask and You Shall Receive

After I returned from New York and had the experience of feeling my wholeness for the first time, I was on a high for weeks.  I was in my authenticity, I knew my purpose, I was inspired in all areas of my life.  Then one day I started feeling grumpy and out of sorts.  I didn’t know what was up for me, but something obviously was.  After a couple of days of this low level grumpiness the feeling escalated to one of despair and desolation.

As I sat at my kitchen table that morning trying to do my daily inspirational reading, a feeling of utter depression and hopelessness swept over me.  It wasn’t attached to any specific thoughts, and I really didn’t know what was going on or what to do about it.  I began to cry uncontrollably – not a common experience for me.  I cried and talked out loud about how bad I felt. In the midst of this I said, “I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do. Help me, please!”  In the moment I didn’t consider this a plea to God; I didn’t know who I was talking to, I was just expressing my misery and feeling of helplessness to feel better.

At that point, some miraculous things immediately began to occur, and continued for the rest of the day.

• Meditation was part of my morning spiritual practice, and I got up from the table and went to my meditation spot, but I was too agitated to be still. I had been experiencing some heartburn for the previous few days coinciding with the onset of my feelings of grumpiness, as well as a stuffy nose and I decided to look these up in Louise Hay’s book, You Can Heal Your Life.

Heartburn: “Fear. Fear. Fear. Clutching fear.  I breathe freely and fully. I am safe. I trust the process of life.”

Stuffy Nose: “Not recognizing self-worth. I love and appreciate myself.”

These hit the nail on the head for the core of my misery.  I had been blind-sided by fear of living in my authenticity, by doubt of my wholeness.  I could see that my current emotional state was my ego stepping in and doing its job to (theoretically) protect me.

It was telling me that being my authentic self was scary, that living only from that place of wholeness left me open for attack and hurt.  That who I am wasn’t enough, wasn’t whole and I’d better get back to work on trying to fix that.

• I came back into the kitchen with the intention of writing in my gratitude journal.  This was also part of my morning ritual, but in my current emotional state I just didn’t feel like doing it.  I went to my computer and opened Facebook and the very first post I saw was from a friend I met at Robert Holden’s happiness coaching certification course in New York the previous month.  It said, “You can’t feel stress when expressing gratitude.”

Message received.  Could there have been a more direct indication that I needed to write in my gratitude journal?  So I did.

• I had been reading a book called Spirit Junkie by Gabrielle Bernstein, and decided to finish it.  The very next chapter was all about Gabrielle’s own dark night of the soul. It helped me immensely to read of someone else’s similar experience and to know that I would get through it.

• I came across that famous quote by Marianne Williamson. “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I knew this captured exactly what I was experiencing.  As I was fully owning my wholeness and authenticity and what that meant about who I was in the world and what I had to offer I was running up against my ego who was asking “Who are you to be special? What makes you think you have something of value to offer?”

Again, it was so helpful to know that I was not the only one who had experienced this awful, dark feeling, and to have validated that it really was about my ego stepping in when it thought I was getting too big for my britches.

• As I went back to Facebook, someone had posted a video of Robert Holden and Tom Carpenter talking about self-image (ego).  Part of the message was to be gentle with yourself when you realize that self-image has created the very situation that is the source of your misery.

These first five “miracles” began immediately after my surrender, my crying out that I didn’t know what to do and needed help, and continued for the next hour or so.  At the end of the day the next miracle occurred.

• I picked up the mail that had just been delivered and saw there was a greeting card with a postmark in the UK.  This happened the week before Christmas, so I thought it might be a Christmas card and wondered who I knew in the UK.  The handwriting on the envelope looked familiar and reminded me of my sister’s, but she had passed away 8 years earlier, so it couldn’t be from her.

I then realized that it was a card I had written to myself at the happiness coaching course the previous month.  They had given us cards to write to ourselves to be delivered at some time in the future.  I had forgotten all about it!  I’d also forgotten what it was I had written inside it.

I opened the envelope, and the front of the card had a beautiful picture where the predominant color was purple – the color that has come to be my favorite.  The message on the outside said “Trust Yourself.”  On the inside I had written, “Just be yourself.  Everything else will follow.  I love you.  You’re perfect.”

Wow.  That was exactly what I needed to hear that day.  I had been hearing it from various other sources: Louise Hay, Gabrielle Bernstein, Marianne Williamson, but here it was written in my own hand to myself.  How perfect was that?

The miracles that continued to affirm my wholeness and perfection continued into the next day.  I really looked at the message written on my coffee cup for the first time in ages, “Believe. Everything is possible.”  I read the message on my desk calendar for the previous day, “Less Ego + More Love = Greater Success.”  And on and on.

Although I felt better than I had the day before, it took a while before I was back in the place I had been before this “dark day of the ego.”  As I share this experience here with you, I still marvel at the power of surrender, of acknowledging that I don’t know how.  How swiftly help came for me once I let go of trying to do it myself and asked for help.  That is perhaps the greatest lesson I will take from this experience.